Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 18: Tales of Suspense 56

What's happening? Tony Stark has retired from being Iron Man to concentrate on being a complete jerk full-time. The comic opens to reveal Tony is tired of not knowing what moment might be his last. He throws off the suit intending to enjoy what might be left of his life. This, of course, means he's an utter dickhole to anyone and everyone.

Tony goes out on the town with some fast women but not before mocking Happy and making Pepper feel unwanted. He blows off a call from the Avengers, leading to a subsequent suspension from that squad later. While Tony's on a rampage of asshole-ness, some guy in an orange helmet-chest-piece onesy attacks the Stark HQ looking to challenge Iron Man to a fight.

His name is Unicorn and he shoots a laser out of a bump on his helmet. Of course, he does. Uni plants a bomb in Tony's lab and Iron Man is forced to surrender or else the whole place goes up. Once Uni gets Iron Man on the plane bound for Russia, though, Iron Man goes apeshit and tears the plane apart, leaving Unicorn headed into the ground like a dart, and empty-handed.

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 17: Tales of Suspense 55

What's happening? The cover says "No one escapes the Mandarin." So, I'm not entirely sure why we're here. The cover lied? Oh. Well, apparently someone DOES escape the Mandarin. And that someone is Iron Man. This is part two of the riveting "Mandarin whips Iron Man's ass" story arc that started last issue.

Iron Man convinces Mandarin to leave the room by claiming Tony Stark is running around the castle busting shit up. Mandarin falls for it and goes looking for Stark. I know Mandarin's probably really tough to work for, but does he not have any employees or a personal guard? Is there no lackey or minion to take care of puny old Stark? Iron Man escapes, battles Mandarin long enough to figure out how his anti-missile system works and rescues the poor missiles.

I still have no idea why Mandarin was stealing and hoarding the damn things in the first place.

Avengers #11, "Dick is one of our favorites..."

Hey, What's the Deal? Have you ever asked yourself what it would be like if a robot Spider-Man sent back over a thousand years from the future battled Earth's Mightiest Heroes? You have?! Well, hey buddy, does Kang the Conqueror (last seen getting outsmarted by goddamned Rick Jones) have a treat for you. He comes up with a brilliant plan to send a Spider-ManBot¹ back in time to defeat the Avengers; a team coping with the loss of one of their own.<sup>2

1</sup> Why not create a Galactus robot? Hell, why not create three Galacti and send all of them back to squash The Avengers? Just Spider-Man? The cynic in me is leaning towards "selling comics." But the optimist in me thinks Kang's just not very good at this.

² Tony Stark kicked the bucket(head), according to the always helpful editor's note, in Tales of Suspense #61, which Kaz has not yet gotten to. Sorry for the spoiler, guy. Anyway, Iron Man has gone mysteriously MIA since then. No one thinks to connect the dots.

Spider-Bot lures the Avengers to Mexico, because every plot involving the Avengers stupidly trusting somebody has to involve international travel. The mechanical webhead makes pretty easy work of the Avengers but there's one person he didn't count on being there to stop him. That one person?

The real Spider-Man! Destitute high school student Peter Parker, despite barely earning enough money selling shitty, self-photos to keep his Aunt May in wheatcakes, somehow managed to make his way down to Mexico to save the day. Some scintillating Spider-on-Spider violence in mid-air leads to the real Spidey finding the "control stud"³ of his Spider...clone⁴ and sending him plummeting to Earth, defeated. Congratulations, Kang! You're in the fucking future and should have already known what was going to happen and you still somehow failed.

³Thankfully, the Wasp was already dispatched before she could toss in "I'm looking for a stud to control me, too!"

⁴Hmmm... what an intriguing idea.

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 16: Tales of Suspense 54

What's happening? For reasons I can even begin to fathom, Tony Stark has changed the way his helmet looks. To look really stupid. Seriously stupid. I don't remember anyone complaining about the old helmet, but it gets changed anyway. And the colorist on this book can't keep his shit straight, so sometimes it's the classic red/yellow two-tone and sometimes it's yellow. Also, this issue seems to try to start the nickname "Bullethead" for Iron Man, but he hasn't had a helmet that looked like a bullet since he changed from the original suit.

Oh, and Tony gets into a major scuffle with our old pal Mandarin. When the Department of Defense gets all bitchy about how Tony's super-missiles (transistor-powered, I guess?) aren't working like they're supposed to, Tony figures it's gotta be Mandarin's work. So he heads back to the place where he got his biggest ass-whoopin' to date.

Tony thinks pretty highly about the importance of these missiles. In fact, he says flat out that they are worth his own precious life. I gotta think just slapping together a new transistor-tech invention on the side would be good enough for government work.

So, the obvious happens. Iron Man gets smacked around by karate champ Mandarin and captured, and we have to wait until the next issue to see what happens.

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 15: Tales of Suspense 53

What's happening? Madame Natasha returns and uses her bewbies to bamboozle Tony Stark again. I mean, it was all the way back in last issue when he fell for her antics, so he probably forgot she's a commie bitch looking to kill him and all America stands for. But she's got a great set and Tony's not the type to harbor a grudge.

Tony invents some gravity ray, that by my best guess increases or decreases how gravity affects things. He shows this off to his entourage (U.S. generals) but some proto-paparazzi manages to get photos of Tony's little demo (no one really seems too upset at this security breach). The news of the gravity ray reaches Comrade Leader's ears and he puts Natasha into action. She writes a letter apologizing to Tony, who immediately invites her over to show off the gravity ray. She steals it and runs around destroying half of Tony's factories while Tony's loyalty is again challenged by the media. There's a huge face-off that includes a floating mountain and the appearance of Igor and Stanksy (thus depleting Stan Lee's knowledge of Russian names).

Iron Man wins the day by destroying the gravity ray and allowing Natasha to escape, presumably to dupe Tony again with her feminine wiles.

Incredible Hulk #1 "Louder and Louder!! -- Faster and Faster!!"

Imagine: You're genius scientist Dr. Bruce Banner and besides looking a bit like handsome Hollywood legend Gregory Peck, you also are responsible for the creation of the G-Bomb, a bomb that appears to have no actual purpose other than, uh, seeing what happens when powerful gamma rays are released. Anyway, you have lots of stuff going for you on this day. In fact -- if he or she were so inclined -- one might even say it is a Banner Day.

But shit begins to go south when, just before launch, you notice some punk-ass kid relaxin' with his rag-top down¹, blowin' on a harmonica. You, being a decent man, run out to try to alert this mouth-harp playin' asshole that he is in a forbidden area. The plaid-jacket wearin' prick blows you off. He says his pals dared him he couldn't get past the guards and you're gonna make him look like a chicken. You strong-arm him into a protective trench just before your very own G-Bomb blasts you full of those previously mentioned gamma rays. They are as powerful as advertised, bud. So powerful, in fact, that you are now a hulking beast of a creature. An Incredible Hulk, let's say. You are gray and you are angry. Oh and that harpoon²-blastin' teen you saved? He feels so guilty about what happened, he decides to never leave your side. You are gray, you are angry and you have a new best friend.

You and your bff somehow end up in Russia, where you proceed to turn a monster to a man, save the world and maybe just maybe help start the downfall of the "Red Tyranny."<sup>3

1</sup> slang courtesy American treasure V. Ice

² slang courtesy a very haggard Janice J., although I've heard that the "harpoon" in question could possibly refer to a needle as well. And Rick Jones is a lot of things (piece of shit, piece of garbage, sycophantic hanger-on) but he is not, at least to my knowledge, a junkie.

³ Well, we obviously know THAT hasn't happened.

And on that long rocket trip home with your hopelessly devoted pal, you think to yourself, "Goddammit, I should have just let this fucker die."

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 14: Tales of Suspense 52

What's happening? You knew it was bound to happen. Tony Stark's loins finally spell doom for Iron Man. The (vaguely named) Communist villain "Leader" calls in a couple of heavy hitters in Black Widow and (again, vaguely named) Boris to take down Tony Stark, his bodyguard and that turncoat Vanko. The plan seems to go off pretty well with Black Widow enticing Tony to the point he just casually allows Boris to wander around his heavily guarded factory. Boris kidnaps Vanko then dresses up as Crimson Dynamo.

Meanwhile, Tony and Madame Natasha are out on the town at some fancy club swooning over one another. Black Widow is a long way from the kung-fu, tight-suited, red-headed badass she's most well known for, but she's kicking the best two weapons she has. (Hint: It's her tits.) Boris (in Crimson Dynamo regalia) starts fucking shit up back at HQ so Tony rushes back, changes into Iron Man, gets his ass kicked, gets kidnapped and taken back to a Russian sub.

Luckily, it's the same submarine Vanko is held in, so they escape together and zip back to put the whooping on Boris. Somehow (transistors, laser lights, explosions, Russian accents, you pick) Vanko and Boris explode to their deaths leaving Tony to mourn their loss and Natasha roaming the American landscape.

Avengers #10, "Never again will a teen-age boy come..."

Hey, What's the Deal? The Avengers are breaking up? What? No! What about the blog? Oh wait, turns out they're actually not breaking up. How does Stan Lee have any of his precious "True Believers" left when all the man does is lie to our faces?

Anyway, Baron Zemo steps up to the plate again, 0 for 3 so far on the year. And since his particular brand of Nazi justice (I guess?) hasn't worked out so great, Zeems decides to embrace that wonderful American ideal: Outsourcing. He (along with alliterative jobbers Enchantress and Executioner) sit back and let newcomer Immortus¹ do their dirty work. But Immortus is more of a middle-management type so he calls upon some of history's great warriors² to assist him. Lots of delegation in this issue.

<sup>1 I made the mistake of reading Immortus' wikipedia entry. I really wish I hadn't. Who knew his most dangerous power would be his convoluted history?

2 Goliath (of "David and" fame), Merlin (of "King Arthur's Court" fame), Atilla the Hun (of "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" fame3) and Paul Bunyan (of, uh, "I have a blue ox" fame).

3 Further research shows that it was actually Genghis Khan in the movie. I will not print a retraction.</sup>

Well, guess what? It doesn't matter who you send at this team of heroes, history ain't got shit on the Avengers. And so the issue ends just like they all seem to: Baron Zemo is defeated, the Avengers are united and I have a dull throbbing pain in my head.

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 13: Tales of Suspense 51

What's happening? We're introduced to the classic villain The Scarecrow, only not the nightmare-inducing DC version but a crappy contortionist version. As escape artist turned burglar, The Uncanny Umberto dons a scarecrow outfit and robs Tony Stark of some Transistor-powered plans. (I am NOT shitting you.) Umberto decides to extort Stark to get the plans back but doublecrosses him and makes for Cuba where his genius and style of dress will surely win him friends.

Scarecrow meets up with some Cuban militants in the ocean north of Cuba to sell the transistor-flavored plans, but Tony switches into Iron Man in time to foil the whole thing. While Shellhead is sinking banana boats and being a nuisance to the militants, Hayhead is pulled on to Cuba by his pet crows. Tony returns to America where he forces Happy and Pepper to go on a date while Scarecrow is left on some dark beach in Cuba to consider his plight.

The all-important plans are recovered, so don't stress about that.

Avengers #9, "...With One Mighty Squeeze."

Hey, What's the Deal? The hated (and dimensionally displaced) Baron Zemo returns for a third go-round (along with alliterative cohorts, Enchantress and Executioner) to hatch the ultimate plan at getting back at the Avengers: planting an inside man to lead them to slaughter. Great plan, Zeems... but have you learned nothing from 8 issues of this garbage? There's nothing more these clowns love to do than attack their own.<sup>1

1 But hey, who am I? Just some asshole typing away on my computer. Baron Zemo "was one of Hitler's top rocket experts during World War Two" (he tells two Asgardians who could not possibly give less of a fuck).</sup>

So who are they gonna plant as their Faux-Avenger? Simon Williams, inventor slash embezzler with a major hate-on for our pal Tony Stark, that's who². Why turn to embezzling, you ask with a hint of disdain in your voice. And how could you hate Tony Stark? C'mon. Well, you would too if Tony's mastery of all things transistor caused all your patents to become worthless. Aren't those things supposed to protect from that kind of stuff? Maybe aim some of that anger at your patent attorney, Simon.

^{2This guy was the best candidate they could find? Maybe BZ should have brought in Baron Seymour for the assist, who was one of Hitler's top HR recruiters during World War Two.}

Enchantress pays his bail bond and whisks him away to South America(uh, you're not gonna get that money back now), where Zemo juices him up with some powerful -- but really goddamn generic -- abilities and a terrible costume and voila, Wonder Man is born. He's then dispatched to embed himself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes, where he convinces them in no time to travel to the Amazon for an ambush and, fingers crossed, brutal massacre.

This is the greatest plan, in theory, any villain has had so far. And that's why it's a real shame that Wonder Man wasn't fully vetted before launching it, as it doesn't take long for this prick to come to the Avengers' rescue; in doing so, he gives up his own life so that they may live. It was an amazing six issue arc that really sh -- wait, what? All of this took place in one issue? Oh.

Avengers #8 "...A Glass-Smooth, Mile-Square Landing Strip"

Hey, What's the Deal? From the future comes the newest super-villain that's the toughest villain the Avengers have ever fought and/or will ever fight (until the next issue), and that is Kang The Conquerer. All you need to know about this story is this: After easily handling Iron Man, Captain America, Giant Man and Thor, Kang ends up being brought down by The Wasp¹. And Rick Jones². There's just no coming back from that one, Kang. You blew it; you really blew it. Your entire timeline has been irreparably damaged now. Instead of barbarians senselessly murdering each other with advanced weaponry created by men much smarter than them centuries earlier, the place is populated by ham radio enthusiasts and fuck-hungry bugwomen.

<sup>1 Janet is fortunate enough to find a weapon Hank has at the lab that just happens to be the one thing that can stop Kang. She refers to it as a "Power Ray" but it's actually a Deus Ex Machine Gun. Also, I'm on first name basis with the Pyms now apparently.

2 Referred to as "Rick Brown" at one point. On the first page of this issue, it compares Stan Lee to Victor Hugo but I'm going to go ahead and venture a guess that ol' V-Hug never accidentally referred to Jean Valjean as Jean Valjohnson</sup>

This issue sucked.

Booze, Boobs and Robot Boots No. 12: Tales of Suspense 50

What's happening? Mandarin, the somewhat racist but Communist foil villain for Iron Man, makes his first appearance. He's checking out his all-seeing orb (watching B-roll footage of Iron Man flying) when some Red China commanders roll into his castle and demand the secrets of nuclear power. Mandarin says, "No." Half a world away, some army big shots are asking Iron Man if he'll go on a fact-finding mission to Red China and figure out who Mandarin is. Iron man says, "Sure."

So Iron Man gets a lift from an American plane, attacks the Mandarin castle, gets busted up a little bit and manages to escape without much harm, but without completely defeating the Mandarin. Even though Mandarin's rings overwhelm Tony, he manages to defeat ol' Mandy by using geometry.